I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Randomize
