Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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