I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
