The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
