just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize
