I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Randomize
