I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
