Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
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