why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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