Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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