winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Randomize
