grandma shit on top of the toilet
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
You are the jesus of drinking
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
