Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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