dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
