Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
