I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
