In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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