afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
