Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
only if we run a train.
done.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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