my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I'm getting married
To pizza
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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