I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
