He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
