Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
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