I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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