I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
