Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
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