____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
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