Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Randomize