My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
