SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
