I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
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