I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Holy shit dude........stairs
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