Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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