I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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