she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Randomize
