Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
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