i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Randomize
