I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
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