i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
