hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
