Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Randomize
