all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
