My liver just broke up with me...
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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