I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
where are my pants?
in the oven.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
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