Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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