Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
