girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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