I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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