you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
