they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
