I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
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