Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Randomize