i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
