paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Randomize
