Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Randomize
