ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
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