I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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