I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
