Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I cut my penus on the lid.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
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