My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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