you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Randomize
