Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Randomize