im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Randomize
