Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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