For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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