that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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