Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
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