I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
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